-- Plot to Kill Gentile Husbands Uncovered --

New York, New York (October 15, 2010) -- In a series of arrests a joint task force of federal, state and city police said today it has destroyed a terror group dedicated to killing the city’s gentile husbands.

The group, Jews for Coronary Artery Disease (CAD) for Cads, advocates the murder of men married to Jewish women in support of its anti-interfaith marriage platform.

Jews for CAD for Cads’ primary technique to kill gentile husbands, as described in literature captured in last night’s raids, is called the “I’d like to make an order for delivery” initiative.

The plan calls for Jewish wives to weaken and destroy their gentile husbands’ cardiovascular systems to create strokes and heart attacks by ordering in Chinese and other ethnic foods.

Because these delivered foods are always cooked in the deadly Admiration brand soy cooking oil, the group believes that ordering in is an effective tool for ending marriages between Jewish women and their gentile spouses.

Jews for CAD for Cads’ chosen weapon in this effort, Admiration brand soy cooking oil, is the most commonly used oil in New York City’s many Chinese, Thai, Mexican and other ethnic eateries. It is widely considered the “crack” of cooking oils by health professionals.

Most of the restaurants that use Admiration brand soy oil also deliver, which has given rise to the culture of “I’d like to make an order for delivery, “ which, while not invented by Jews for CAD for Cads, has become its main strategy to eliminate the city’s gentile husbands.

Early reports that a number of Jewish mother-in-laws in these intermarriages have been successfully recruited by Jews for CAD for Cads only adds another macabre layer to the conspiracy, taskforce spokesman Tom Wayne said. The group reportedly considers these women as its “second front.”

Jews for CAD for Cads founder Adam Shearer said in a statement that while it is too late to stop the assimilation of the Jewish people in the bedrooms of New York City, his group is dedicated to at least making what he calls “ these horny gentiles” pay.

Shearer said, “We can’t, or haven’t yet been able to, figure out how to undo the cross-breeding, but we can shorten the lifespans of the gentile husbands who are responsible for these disastrous marriages.”

The Jews for CAD for Cads leader said “the beauty of our plan is that it was already in place, was already being acted on by many Jewish wives on their own. Knowingly or not, these women were working to hasten the decline and cause the death of their gentile husbands, these men who have had the temerity to steal our Jewish women. We want our women back. All Jews for CAD for Cads has had to do in many of these cases is to help them order in more frequently.”

Yes, the Jewish women are responsible for the choices they’ve made, Shearer said, but it is to late to do anything about that until we off their spouses, he added.

Shearer said Jews for CAD for Cads will set up a post-mortem reeducation program for its newly created Jewish widows as soon as these women get done sitting shiva. This program will include a prayer and meditation component to make sure they don’t jump back in the sack with any more gentiles. Such an outcome would seriously undermine the accomplishments of the ordering in program, Shearer acknowledged.

He said he doesn’t see any reason why this generation of Jewish widows, created by the “I’d like to make an order for delivery” initiative, many of whom are still young and quite attractive, will not quickly enter into marriages with Jewish men.

As for the Cads, the gentile husbands, Shearer went on to say, “We can at least make the husbands pay, kill them, get them out of the picture as quickly as possible and thus erase any influence they may have over our Jewish children.”

Johns Hopkins Study Implicates Admiration Soy Oil in Gentile Cardiovascular Failure --

Baltimore, Maryland - (Oct. 15, 2009) -- According to a recent study by the Johns Hopkins University Cardiovascular Health Team, frequent consumption of take out food in New York City, all of it cooked in the cheap and deadly soy oil that comes in those big white and blue cans you often see at curbs, is responsible for the recent spike in the city’s death rates from cardiovascular diseases.

Within the ethnic groups studied, the Johns Hopkins team found that gentiles married to Jewish women were the most likely to have elevated measures of cardiovascular health such as high cholesterol, excessive triglycerides, high blood pressure and other indicators because of the frequent, almost ritualistic, use of the phrase, “I’d like to make an order for delivery,” in their households. The study notes that some linguists have traced this phrase back to Ashkenazi “forerunner” languages such as German, Russian, Ukrainian and Moldavian.

The study goes on to say that many Jews have developed antibodies, which protect them against the devastating effects of soy and other cheap cooking oils. This leaves the prime victims of the frequent consumption of this food to be the gentile husbands of interfaith marriages in New York City.

The Johns Hopkins study says this is because the population in question, gentile husbands, is more vulnerable because they lack the genetic coding that many Ashkenazi Jews have, which helps them fight the deleterious effects of the unhealthy cooking oil.

Apparently, the gene that protects Ashkenazi Jews from cardiovascular deterioration in the face of massive doses of soy cooking oil is linked, literally intertwined, with the same chromosome that makes this community vulnerable to Tay-Sachs Syndrome. Whether Sephardic Jews share this near immunity is still being investigated. In addition, because the gentile husbands are men, they are more at risk for CV disease in general.

Three-way Pact Announced by Gentile Husband Enemies

New York, New York (October 17, 2010) - Empire Szechuan Village, a chain of Chinese restaurants, Admiration Corporation, the producer of the ubiquitous soy cooking oil and Jews for CAD for Cads today announced a historic agreement to join forces in order to amplify their individual assaults on the cardiovascular health of NYC’s gentile husbands. The groups plan to work together to insure that the food ordered in by Jewish wives in the NYC area will be as deadly as possible to the fragile cardiovascular systems of the city’s gentile husbands.

As part of this initiative, Admiration Corp. has promised to increase the density and absorption rates of the oil used in its cooking in order to boost the presence of the most dangerous saturated and unsaturated fats in its marquee product, Admiration brand soy cooking oil. Empire Szechuan Village has pledged to install motors on the remaining 40 percent of their fleet of delivery bicycles that lack them in order to get their food more quickly to their gentle husband customers.
Admiration has also offered to support the Jews for CAD for Cads program by offering a discount rate for any catering orders for food delivered to gentile husband funerals.
In response, Empire Szechuan Village said it has instituted a “buy-back” program by which newly created Jewish widows, if they have saved their receipts or purchased their families’ meals on-line with a major credit card, will be compensated up to ten percent of the internment costs if their deceased gentile husbands are buried at either of two major New York City area gentile graveyards. The agreements have been made with the Gate of Heaven cemetery (Catholic) in Hawthorne, Westchester County and Calvary Cemetery in Queens (Protestant).

City passes law banning menu distribution in lobbies in response to plot against gentile husbands

New York, New York (October 18, 2010) -- In a statement issued by Mayor Bloomberg, the city said it will ban the practice of leaving menus, especially from Chinese restaurants, but also from any other kind of restaurant, unless it has acquired a certificate proving that it uses olive oil, the so called olive oil is OK (OOOK) certificate, in the lobbies of apartment buildings in the five boroughs.
“We can’t do anything about the thousands of gentile husbands heartlessly murdered by the Jewish wives of this city, but we must do whatever we can to prevent any more gentile husbands’ deaths,” said the Mayor.

Deliveryman’s Statement -- Empire Szechuan Village

I have been in the U.S. for three months. In that time, I’m happy that our bikes got motors. Very good. I hear that our food may not be so good for the men we deliver to who have married the Jewish ladies. I sorry about that. I happy to have a job and to have left Fijan.

I have to pay my smugglers so I can’t worry about our food, Empire Scheuzan Village, not good on the Americans. I not sure what the difference even is between one group of foreign devils and the others, especially these Jews I hear about. I don’t know whether it is true or not that they can eat anything and not get sick. I have to get the food to their apartments quickly. I hope they buzz me up fast and meet me at the elevator.

I hate to have to let the elevator go. Then I just have to wait for it to come back. Best thing is when I can give customer the food and get the money with foot in elevator door.

I’m learning to have fewer close calls on my bike with cars, taxi, other delivery men and American people who walk on the streets. In New York, it seems like everybody stays to the right all the time, not like in Fijin. Sometimes I forget.

I hope our food doesn’t make the Americans sick, but even if it does my job is to make sure they get it while it’s still hot. I am only delivery man, but now at least our bikes have motors. Of that, I am happy.

I hear about big hospital study says our food not good for the Americans. I was thinking about which kind of American our food makes sick most fast while making a delivery the other day and almost got run over by taxi cab.

For now I must focus on my job. I hope our food doesn’t make the Americans sick, but I must work hard, save my money and pay off the gang that shipped me here.



Gentile Husbands Group Releases Medical Statement

New York, New York, (October 25, 2010) -- In response to media reports about the arrests of Jews for CAD for Cads members and the release of the Johns Hopkins study about the cardiovascular health of New Yorkers, especially the city’s gentile husbands, the Gentile Husbands Union solicited the following statement from a New York-area doctor whose identify will not be revealed.

“Hey, we followed all the protocols and then some, who told the poor bastards to live on kung po chicken and sesame noodles? For that matter, who told him them to marry Jewish women?
Take my wife, no, really, I just want to say that my own wife is Jewish. I tell her she can only order in once a week. I make sure we don’t have these big stacks of menus sitting around the house. You can’t stop them from leaving them in the lobby, apparently, but you don’t have to keep them around. I’d don’t care whether she cooks or we just have snacks for the kids.

I open up enough of these boomers and older guys to see what this soy oil crud does to their arteries. Sad to watch these buggers jogging their asses off and going to the gym when night after night, they are eating food delivered on those new bikes with the motors and splashed all over with the Admiration brand soy cooking oil.

And now that they’ve intensified the mixture of near lethal fatty oils under the agreement between Admiration and Empire Szechuan Village and that meshuggunah group, Jews for CAD for Cads, it will just make for that many more easy consults.
In fact, sometimes I don’t even have to look at their records. I don’t even bother with the EKG. I can diagnose just on meeting these gentile husbands. They tend to be artsy or intellectual, or at least think of themselves that way, even if they work in law or finance.

That’s partly how they ended up with these Jewish wives. You get the art history degree from Bennington or you grew up with the Ben Sahn drawings in the living room of their parents’ places on Central Park West, you’re going to attract these artsy gentiles. I feel sorry for these guys on a lot of levels.
Sure, maybe our women are great in bed when everybody is in their twenties and thirties, but by the time the kids are in middle school, that’s over and it’s “You are not skipping out on the seder at my parents’ house ” and “I’d like to make an order for delivery,” all because, and I don’t even know if this true, you know, but anecdotally, these guys from Connecticut or wherever, they like it that our women aren’t all hung up about taking it in their mouths. If that’s even true, I’m a surgeon, not a shrink.”