“Business Executives, Former Mayors And Celebrities”

“Business executives, former mayors and celebrities like Whoopi Goldberg flooded Dr. Steiner’s offices with messages in support of Ms. Black,” (for NYC Schools Chancellor).

From: Whoopi Goldberg

To: NYT Op Ed Editors

Re: A New Voice for the Section

I am writing, with the backing of business executives, former mayors, and celebrities to encourage you to publish stories by the well-known tennis instructor Brent Shearer.

Mr. Shearer could produce written material that would fulfill your editorial needs at the section if you were to assign him a chief writing officer (CWO) who was a better writer than he is.

We, business executives, former mayors and celebrities feel that more experienced, and talented writers such as Paul Krugman or David Brooks would be acceptable nominees for the position of Mr. Shearer’s CWO.

Please note this is the course of action taken by Mayor Bloomberg to settle the controversy about Cathleen P. Black’s lack of educational credentials in her quest for the NYC Schools Chancellor job.

Certainly, we, business executives, former mayors and celebrities realize how important it is for your section to be funny. We understand that ensuring that it be so, week after week, is in many ways equivalent to the burden of overseeing the education of the 1.1 million children in the New York City school system.

That is what makes our proposal a win-win. We, business executives, former mayors and celebrities have noticed that despite the section’s many redeeming features, it has lacked a writer who knows how to tap a tennis ball twice with the racquet and pick it up in that nifty way.

Whether or not Mr. Krugman, Mr. Brooks or another candidate is selected as Mr. Shearer’s CWO, we, business executives, former mayors and celebrities, feel certain that while his CWO’s counsel to Mr. Shearer in matters such as idea generation and phrasing will make for a stronger editorial product than he could write, his previous experience in directing players to collect the balls quickly will supply a dimension the column has heretofore lacked. If Mr. Shearer was not the inventor of the make-a-pyramid- of-the-balls-on-your-racquet’s-strings method of retrieving balls, he was certainly one of the earliest popularizers of this technique.

In the same way Ms. Black has announced plans to draw on her background as a publisher, ie, chief ad sales executive, by proposing to monetize the blank surfaces of the NYC school system by filling blackboards and playground pavements with advertising by such respected national brands as Ralph Lauren and Juicy Couture, we, business executives, former mayors and celebrities feel that Mr. Shearer will be able to expand the resource base of the column due to his track record of excelling in both group and individual lessons.

Indeed, we feel that Mr. Shearer is nearly talented enough to write for the section without being assigned a CWO. Still, let us, business leaders, former mayors and celebrities, point out that humor is subjective. It would only be to the advantage of the section, if any readers were to complain that Mr. Shearer’s pieces weren’t funny, to be able to point to the involvement of his CWO.

Ms. Black’s call to drape the headquarters of the school system, the Tweed Courthouse, with flags advertising Four Loko, the alcoholic energy drink with fruit flavors and marketing aimed at children, has generated controversy. Perhaps she is right to quibble with those public health officials who liken the beverage to "liquid cocaine."

By the same token, Mr. Shearer’s career-long search for where the yellow nap of the balls go as they wear out will be seen as revolutionary by some members of the old guard among the section’s editors. But who would you trust to lead the section into the Ipad age, an innovative tennis instructor like Mr. Shearer or a stick in the mud humor writing stalwart like Roy Blount?

No, for us, business executives, former mayors and celebrities, the choice is clear. We know that as CEOs, politicians and recognized faces, you don’t really have to how to do your job, just as Mr. Shearer’s obsequiousness and the fine figure he cuts in his tennis outfits, serve to disguise the fact that he is a klutz as a player.

We hope the editorial staff at the section will see the writing, sponsored by Apple, on the handball walls and other fixtures of the NYC school system, soon to blossom under Ms. Black’s direction, as a new hiring paradigm and respond with its equivalent in editorial sourcing.

Sincerely,

Whoopi Goldberg
Business Executives
Former Mayors
Celebrities