“Wal-Mart Mulls “Gitmo Blues” Deal”

“Wal-Mart Mulls “Gitmo Blues” Deal” 

“Veteran rockers AC/DC are set to become the next major band to sell a new album only through Wal-Mart stores . . .” Wall Street Journal, June 9, 2008. --

Dear Wal-Mart Executive:

I am writing on behalf of the artists and reportoire department of the Al Agaba Martyrs Brigade. We would like to offer Wal-Mart the opportunity to be the exclusive distributor of the recently recorded “Gitmo Blues” sessions, the first compilation of rock tunes recorded by the brothers in confinement in  secret CIA prisons in Poland and elsewhere. These tracks have been remastered with additional vocal backing at the Guantanamo detention facility studios. The tunes range from soft rock in the style of the infidel James Taylor to punk rock as the imprisoned artists/warriors of God kick out the jams on their number “I want to martyred,” which closely follows the tune of the Ramones “I Want to be Sedated.” 

While a print version of the lyrics rarely does a song justice, the fairly androgynous, for us, lead singer belts out, “Take over the airport, Take over the plane, I want to be a martyr.”

Another song uses the Carole King hit, “Chains,” with the jihadi words, “chains, chains, the crusaders got us locked up in chains, and they ain’t the kind the brothers can flee.”

We at the AA Martyrs Brigade believe that revenues from the distribution of the “Gitmo Blues Sessions” plus a percentage of ancillary revenue streams from associated products will dwarf even the most optimistic projected earnings from Wal-Mart’s first generation of exclusive distribution deals with washed up, infidel acts like the Eagles, AC/DC and Journey.

We will be pleased to set up the appropriate shell companies to assist in the repatriation of our earnings from this partnership to our system of safehouse vaults and caves in the Northwest Territory, i.e., in the language of the rough version of a contract we have included in this fax, “the lawless border regions.”

In light of the fact that the brother/ artists will be executed, indeed, have long been seeking martyerdom via execution, at the hands of the Zionist and their allies, touring in support of the CD will not be an option. 

However, as the crusader dogs are likely to kill the brothers one at a time, we see each execution as a publicity point that should drive sales of the CD. Irrespective of whether we make a deal with Wal-Mart or another retailer, we don’t plan to waste  the opportunity of using our martyrs’ deaths as a  marketing opportunity as other groups have, most notably in the absence of any commercial activity linked to the death of IRA hunger striker Bobby Sands and others in the 80s. 

We would like to emphasize that, unlike other deals in the industry, when we say “exclusive,” we mean just that. There will be no, to the extent one can call the crusader legal system viable, “legal” or “illegal” downloads of this material either on Itunes or on services such as Frostwire or Limewire. If we uncover evidence of bit torrent banditry, rest assured that our sleeper cells will strike mercilessly in a manner that will make the Record Industry Association of America’s efforts to interdict illegal downloading look like the empty threats that have long emerged from infidel dog crusader organizations with the exception, of course, of quality retail outlets such as Wal-Mart and Target. 

Another point of agreement between our artists, our recording company executives acting as their representatives and, we presume,Wal-Mart management is the belief  that lyrics must not contain any dirty words that might influence young listeners or offend conservative customers. 

Yes, some of the tracks espouse violence in the waging of global jihad, but you may rest assured that there will no suggestive language that relates to heterosexual eroticism. The only mention of gay unions is the brothers’ condemnaotry, harshly satirical and rocking version of “I knew the bride when he used to rock and roll.” 

We look forward to meeting with you to discuss this mutually beneficial project at earliest convenience. Inshallah khayr to you and yours in Bentonsville.