The BDM Guide to Locking Bikes on New York City Streets

The BDM Guide to Locking Bikes on New York City Streets

(BDM or Bund Deutscher MŠdel  was the Hitler youth organization for young girls.)

Why Some Lazy People’s Bikes Get Stolen, But Not Mine

By Heike von Schuptfundbocher 

I don’t blame the city’s bike thieves. I blame bike riders who make it easy for them by not locking their bikes securely. This is the same as women who have babies with many men and then expect the government to support them. I do not understand this behavior.

In my eight years of bike riding and locking up my bike on the streets of New York, I have never had a bike stolen. I have established this record because I take the extra time to secure my bike thoroughly. If other riders get their bikes stolen, I must say it is their fault if they do not buy the proper equipment and take the time to fasten their bikes securely. 

It is my strong belief that locking up bikes on the streets of New York should be regulated. I have a dramaturgy license and a sailing license issued by the state of  Bavaria. I think New York City should issue a bike locking license. Until the bike riders of New York achieve this certification, they should not be allowed to lock their bikes on the streets. Frank’s Bike Shop and other retail bike shops should not be allowed to sell locks, Krptonite or other brands, without the purchaser presenting his or her bike-locking license.

Nein, one should not be allowed to lock up his bike on the streets of the city unless he has passed a combination of tests that show he can perform the task properly and efficiently. The test would include a written part and a hands-on section. The written part would make sure the applicant knew things like pointing the lock face down to make access to it harder and the necessity of leaving as little slack as possible in the alignment of chains so thieves have difficulty getting any leverage. The hands-on section would consist of the applicant being given a strange lock and bike and a choice of a few signs, trees, railings and bike racks to lock the trial bike to. The applicant for a bike locking license thus would have to show that he can lock a bike securely in some of the most common street settings.

If there are bike riders who don’t want to take the courses needed to pass the locking certification test, they should still be allowed to ride in the city. But they must keep their bikes at home or in a storage space that is secure. Or if they are locking them, they must be locked indoors somewhere where the lock is just a back-up, and not the primary defense. 

The Only Correct Way to Lock Up a Bike in New York City

First,  I locate the street sign, bike rack or other immovable object that I will lock my bike to. The next thing I do is to use a three-quarter inch chain wrapped around the front of my bike’s frame and the front wheel. This immobilizes the front wheel and ensures that the quick- release hub on the wheel stays closed. It means bike theives can’t get the wheel alone and they can’t get the frame without the wheel. Quick-release front wheels are an obvious vulnerability and should not be overlooked as New York City bikers plan the steps they will take to securely lock their bikes. 

Next I use a U-shaped rigid metal lock and loop it through the back wheel and the stem, that is, the part of the bike that holds up the seat. This is a different kind of lock, equally sturdy, and I figure a thief must have two sets of tools to defeat both of these locks if they want to get the whole bike. 

But sometimes the thieves just go after a wheel. I’m proud to say I’ve also never lost a wheel. Maybe it’s because I’m lucky, maybe it’s because I screw washers down tightly on the axle, which makes it hard to get the nut to turn around. Of course, you have to turn the nut around to get the wheel off. I have those washers on so tight that when they have to take the wheel off at Frank’s Bike Shop to work on it, it gives them a hard time. Of this, I am proud.

I have also never in my entire life smoked marijuana. I am proud to say this too. We, the Huns, have discipline. And I think, you need to have discipline. That’s why it’s so important to work hard. Laziness is a terrible vice. I don’t see anything good about the 1960s. Discipline was lax then. The 1960s were like not taking the time and energy to lock your bike securely and then expecting sympathy when it is stolen. Whom do you have to blame when it is stolen and you’ve done a slipshod job of locking it? Society? The government? That is my view of the 1960s and of Italy too.

People who work in critical care at Mt. Sinai and many other people who hold advanced degrees especially if they are from prestigious schools, are almost 100 percent likely to make the investment in time and equipment to lock up their bikes securely on the streets of New York City. Ja, I have found this to be true.

For example, I admire James Wolfowitz, the former president of the World Bank. He was ousted for the way he handled having an affair with a subordinate. I don’t know how fair that was. He was the head of an important international organization. Any affair he’d have at work would have to be with a subordinate. Perhaps we shouldn’t be so hard on successful men. I’m sure he works very hard and that is important to me. We can’t all be Italian, nor should we be. I’m sure James Wolfowitz, even if he was wrong about the weapons of mass destruction, would take the time to lock his bike securely if he were leaving it on the street in New York. 

He would not be like these lazy bike riders who just want to snap a single lock quickly and then go on about their business. What right do they have to expect their bike to be there when they come back?

Bike Locking As Foreplay

Men with whom I have been intimate have told me that when I am sexually aroused a sorrowful look is on my face. They tell me that this look of sadness, for me, signifies desire. Do I shock you when I say that when I am locking up my bike, not always, but sometimes, say before I go into that gourmet store on Ave A to buy a Dortmunder cheese, and I finish the 7- to -9- minute process of locking my bike, I am buying the Dortmunder cheese, Ja, with a sorrowful look on my face? 

To be more precise, usually I am showing my sorrowful face just before I have intimate relations with a man. And to be versplacset, I do not put the Dortmunder cheese on any part of my body in the store or later at home. Yes, it meets all the requirements of our Hanseatic Purity Laws, why else would I pay $9 a pound for it, but for me the Dortmunder cheese is not an erotic aide. No, when the sorrowful look comes over my face in the gourmet store on Avenue A, it is because I know my bike has been securely fastened to the best of my ability and within the technical specifications of the rules and the tolerances of  the city of New York, in which I am currently a legal resident.

And if you don’t believe me, you can check my residency status at the Sixth Precinct on East 5^th Street between First Avenue and Avenue A.  Just make sure you don’t assume you can skimp on locking your bike when you visit the police station just because it will be locked in front of a police station. 

If borrowing someone’s bike is like safe sex, as the playwright Tom Stoppard puts it, then locking your bike on the street with someone is like foreplay.  I would never show my sorrowful face with a man who was too lazy to lock his bike securely, police station or no police station.